tonying

Im so drunk. drunk as I should be. Drunk as I always wanted to be. Intoxicated with alcohol, intoxicated with life, intoxicated with living, intoxicate with everything! Im just so damn tired of my life! So damn tired of my environment! so damn tired of everything. And to think that i have never been so damn upset of what life brings me. i have just so much of everything, i guess. Vauge? hazy? unclear? yup, thats just me. me and my statements. me and my self. me and my decisions. always unclear. always unpredictable. always uncomprehendable. its me, yes. just me. another phase. another stage. change, thats whats constant. thats just the thing im going into. just the thing that i need. just the thing i should have. change, yes, change.

When I’m In love

My world stops spinning.

In my eyes its you that I can only see.

In my thoughts its you that always linger.

You are the love of my life, the air that I breathe.

When I’m in love

I  cant breath, Its just suffocating.

My heart feels like its being squeezed.

My body, weak. My spirit dreary.

To love for me is not to live but to die.

And then be reborn in a new me.

I’m the person that I thought I knew, but  when I love, I transform.

To love for me is everything, forsaking anything.

I tend to forget my destiny, my fate.

My faith wavers, my ideals shaken, my philosophy weakens.

To love for me is to hide rather that to show.

To fool rather than to please, to take rather than to give.

To love for me is not divine, it’s worldly.

But Fear me not, for when its you that I love, its you that I only care about.

If its you that I love, I’ll guard my heart.

For I know that you’ll be hurting me.

For you to love me back is all that I want, all that I need.

For you to love me back is just the thing that you can’t give.

.

I dont know where I got this, just cant remember, but i have kept it in my files for so long. Maybe one of those emails that i seldom keep. its a nice one, cant help but to share it. Ever felt like the tree? I had.

Tree
===

The reason I’m called Tree is because I’m good at painting trees. Overtime I started to paint a tree in the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolor paintings. I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There’s one girl whom I loved a lot but never dared go after. She didn’t have a pretty face, nor a good figure, or outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl.I like her. I really like her. Like her innocence, her frankness. Like her cuteness, her intelligence and her fragility. My reason for not going after her was that I felt somebody so ordinary was not good enough for me. I was also afraid that if we got together all the special feelings I had would vanish. I feared that other people’s gossiping would hurt her. I also felt that if she was meant to be my girl, she would be mine ultimately and I didn’t have to give everything up just for her. The last reason made
her stay with me for 3 years. She watched me chase after other girls for 3 years, and I made her heart cry for 3 years.
She wanted to be a good actress and I was a very demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled and said "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like walnuts. I purposely
ignored what had caused her to cry and instead, laughed at her the whole day. When everyone else went back home, she sat alone crying in the classroom. She didn’t know
that I had returned from soccer training to get something. I watched her cry for an hour or so.
My fourth girlfriend didn’t like her. There was once when both of them quarrelled. I know that based on her character she was not the one who had started off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes were filled with shock. I didn’t care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laughed and joked with me as though nothing happened. I know that she was very hurt but she didn’t know that my heart ached as badly as hers. When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I had something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she had something to tell me too. I told her about my breakup and she told me about her getting together with someone else. I know who the guy was. He had been going after her for quite a while. He was a very cute guy who was full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the school.
I couldn’t let her know how my heart ached but could only smile and congratulate her. When I reached home, my heart ached so bad that I can’t stand it. There was like a heavy weight upon my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to shout but couldn’t. Tears
rolled down and I broke down and cried. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that didn’t even acknowledge her presence?
During graduation, I read a sms in my handphone. It was sent 10 days ago when I broke down and cried, but I hadn’t read it since then. It said, "Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay."

Leaf
===

During Pre-U days, I liked to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has relied on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not the BGR kind but the buddy kind. But when he had his first girlfriend, I learned a feeling I never should have learnt - jealousy. The sourness in the heart couldn’t be described using a lemon. It’s Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my strong sense of happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.
I like him and I know he likes me. But why wouldn’t he pursue me? Since he loved me why didn’t he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would ache. Time after time, my heart was hurt again and again. I began to suspect this was a one sided love. But if he didn’t like he, why did he treat me so well? It’s beyond what you would do for a normal friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I may know his likes, his dislikes, his habits, etc. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can’t expect me, a girl, to ask him right?

Despite all this, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him, hoping that one day, he will love me too. I waited for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he was, he would make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through and I really wanted to give up. At times, I wondered whether I should continue waiting. The pain, the hurt, and the dilemma accompanied me for 3 long years.

Towards the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior began to go after me. Everyday he pursued me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I was willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He’s like a warm and gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf  away from the tree. In the end, I realised that I didn’t want to give this wind just a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leaf far away to a better land. Finally I left Tree. But Tree only smiled and didn’t ask me to stay. Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay.

Wind
====

I like a girl called Leaf. Because she’s so dependent on Tree, I have to be a gust of Wind, a wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was one month after I transferred to the new school. I saw a petite girl looking at my seniors and I playing soccer. During CCA time, she would always be sitting there looking at him, be it alone or with her friends. When he talked with other girls, there’s jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there’s happiness in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit, the way she liked to look at him. One day, she wasn’t there. I felt something was amiss. I can’t explain the feeling except that it’s a sense of uneasiness. The senior was also not there. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scold her. Tears were in her eyes when he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place looking at him. I walked over and smiled at her, took out a note and gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled and accepted the note. The next day, she passed me a note and left.

Leaf’s heart is too heavy and Wind couldn’t blow her away.It’s not that Leaf’s heart is too heavy. It is because Leaf never wanted to leave Tree. I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me and accepted my presents and phone calls. I know that the person she loved wasn’t me. But I had the perseverance that
one day, I could make her like me. Within 4 months, I had declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she would divert away from the topic. But I never gave up. If I.decided I wanted her to be mine, I would definitely use all means to win her over. I can’t remember how many times I had declared my love for her. Although I knew she would try to divert, I still had a small glimmer of hope, hoping that she would agree to be my girlfriend. I didn’t hear any reply from her over the phone, so I asked "What are you doing? Why didn’t you reply?" She said, "I’m nodding my head." "Ah?" I couldn’t believe my ears. "I’m nodding my head," she replied loudly. I hanged up the phone, changed quickly, took a taxi, rushed to her place and pressed her door bell. When she
opened the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay.